What if?

I don't usually post about difficult things. No, painting furniture and keeping house are not as difficult as what I'm about to write. But we need to know it. We need to do it.

This article is for wives. All wives. Young, old, newlywed, or married forever. As a wife of only 5 years, I realize that I don't know everything. Not anywhere near. But I do know God. And I've seen His ways work. And I've seen man's way (women's way) fail miserably. I've seen it in my life and I've observed it in others. I'm talking about marital and relational success, friends. And all I really want to share here is a challenge. A whole list of questions that have been swirling around in my mind for a few months and growing by the day. I've abbreviated it here. I promise!

What if... I could listen - really listen - to my husband's thoughts, plans, and dreams?

What if... I could accept the fact that they might not be going in the same direction that I want to go?

What if... I could completely die to my desires even though I think they're so right? And can justify every little thing about them?

What if... I could accept the fact that I don't know everything? In fact, I know very little and cannot see into the future even one minute!

What if... My husband might actually be more right than me? (How is that possible, right?) 

What if... I stopped seeking counsel from friends and the world and learned to listen to God on my own?

What if... What I think is such a great thing to do with my life actually isn't as great as setting it aside and learning to really love my husband? What if that's greater?

What if... I could put my whole heart into whatever my husband wanted us to do? And like it!

What if... I learned what it meant to lay down my life for others? (Not talking about death, here. That would actually be easier than this!) 

What if... simply making my husband happy was my only real goal?

What if... I could trust God enough to work through my husband to complete God's will and purpose in my life?

What if... Trusting God to work through my husband is God's will for my life? 

What if... God wants to fulfill my desires, but it has to come through me laying them down, first?

What if... I could be content and at rest with what God is doing through my husband?

What if... I could once again be my husband's best friend and cheerleader? Like I was when he fell in love with me?

What if... I could learn to be patient when I don't see things happening quickly enough for me?

What if... I could teach my children by my example, not my words, what it means to trust God and not man?

What if... I trusted God enough to get out of the way and let Him do His perfect work?

I am absolutely not here to tell anyone what to do. I hope and pray it isn't taken that way. But I can tell you what has worked for me. That's my testimony, my witness of God's power, truth, and faithfulness.

As soon as I lay my own strong, stubborn, and determined will aside, that is when I see God actually move in and through my husband (and in me!). And that's true in every area of my life, too. The secret for me is getting out of the way.

In God's eyes, my husband and I are not two people anymore, but one. God joined us together forever. I finally learned to stop striving and pulling and pushing against my husband because of what I thought would be best for us! And I have found more rest and peace and joy than I ever thought possible. And my husband feels the respect and love he so deserves. And he also feels the freedom (and God-given pressure) to seek God's will for us. He's not supposed to sit back and let me get the plan from God! And yet, as soon as I decide that I need to take over or nothing will get done...that's when I quench the work of the Holy Spirit and literally shut my husband down.

Have you noticed that to be true for you, too?

I know I will fail in this again. Probably several (hundred) times in my lifetime. But at least I'm aware of it. And by God's grace, I will choose to get back up and keep walking. In His steps!

I haven't added a related Scripture to every point in my list. Because like I said, it is a list of questions, of challenges... just to make you think. If they are not of God, I pray fervently that they won't alight in your mind. But if any of these words are righteous and trustworthy, I also pray fervently that they will stick... and stick tight. I'm not here to debate doctrine and opinion, this is just my blog with my thoughts.

I don't know that the world has seen much of this sort of commitment to marriage and utter trust in God. We wives are the hearts of our homes and we desire our homes to be the best they can be, right? I believe the key to unlocking that potential for success in our marriages and families is actually very simple: let it go. I think that if we wives would step up to the plate, and put into practice the things that God is placing on our hearts, we would see a revival in our spirits, in our children, and in our marriages.

At the very least, it can't hurt to try.

"...Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; 

but if it dies, it bears much fruit."

John 12:24

But I know God and I know He is faithful. As soon as we step out in faith trying desperately to obey Him with our lame efforts, He lights our path and holds us up and gives us the grace to keep trying, to keep walking, to keep loving. And He promises fruit that remains! It doesn't feel good to die. Dying hurts a lot. There is real pain for us to walk through in this life. But God is there. And the promise is there. Death (of temporary self) produces life (future fruit)!

I love the scene from Indiana Jones where he has to step out over the abyss and he can't see the next step! He can't see it until he takes it. It's such a great visual for me in my relationship with God.

===== disclaimer =====

Please hear this, I am not advocating becoming a doormat to your overbearing husband. Not even a doormat to your gentle and loving one! God didn't make us to disappear into our husbands never to be seen or heard from again. He did, indeed, give us dreams. He gave us desires. He gave us our personality! And I don't believe His goal is to squash any of that. He took 2 and made 1... 50% of each. Don't become someone else.

This isn't a diatribe on "submission" or "authority." I know all of those arguments and points of view -- I've been there and seen that! And this isn't that. I know women who sink their lives into the worst kind of submission thinking they're doing the right thing and it's so painful! I'm not talking about that, here. I'm basically talking about not being selfish, and being open-minded enough to realize that I might not always be right! *gasp*

This is simply me being who I am and allowing God to work on me to make me better! I will always be myself. I will not make an idol of my husband. I will love God first, husband second, and kids third, by God's grace.

This is my blog, my opinions, my thoughts. I'm not foolish enough to think that my life will or should look the same as anyone else's or that theirs should look like mine! But there are certainly a few unchanging principles of God that are the same across the board, wouldn't you say?

===== end disclaimer =====

Imagine with me a woman who is ready to give up because her husband won't go to church no matter how she begs and pleads? Imagine that she truly believes they are both going in such opposite ways that a divorce is the only option. What if she decided to just give it up and do what her husband would like to do on Sundays? Give up her way and go his? Imagine her husband noticing this real heart change in her and asking where it came from...and then wanting to know more because God was softening his heart because of it. My God can do that!

Can you imagine a wife who feels secure with her husband's current paycheck and benefits and her pressure in this area is forcing him to stay in a job he hates and that sucks all the life out of him? What if she just backed up? What kind of blessing is she cutting off? She may never know if she doesn't let it go.

Can you imagine a stubborn young wife who just wants to raise her babies near family, and so, feeling that there is no other option, her husband tries to please her by moving across the country even when they couldn't afford to? Now imagine a few hellish years in that place (and in that marriage) as there are no doors open for the husband and he is not humanly able to adequately provide for his family.

Can you imagine what would happen if that young wife would just get out of the way and let God have His way? And what if she'd done it sooner? What if God was working through her husband but she couldn't hear it because of her great desire? Can you begin to imagine the joy and peace and love that would spring up in her marriage and family if she just figured out how to lay down her life for them?

I can imagine that one. That's my story.

"Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling 

and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, 

to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, 

be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. 

Amen."

Jude 1:24

getting antsy...

...about a lot of things!

1. We're getting antsy to "clear"!

Andrew has only 8 business days left before he starts the "clearing" process. Which means running around post for your last 2 weeks getting every form, every paper, every checklist signed off on from all of the various offices and buildings around Ft. Stewart so they'll let you leave! It's quite the extrication program.

The good thing about clearing is that he won't be doing his regular daily 5am-5pm workday. And he'll be around for packing and overseeing the moving truck...

2. We're getting antsy to know the gender!

Our 20-week ultrasound at the end of August will finally tell us whether we should load up our baby registry with more blue or more pink...! We can actually settle on a name from among all our favorites, and it will just be so nice not to call Baby "It" anymore.

3. We're getting antsy to become civilians!

August 30 is Andrew's last day in the Army and after midnight he can sign out for the very last time. We feel the stress melting away...

4. We're getting antsy to start our westward journey!

Our own version of the Oregon Trail... As soon as we sign out, we'll be following the moving truck to Arkansas where we'll unload whatever we can't fit in the Nissan and spend a good time visiting Andrew's parents. Then we'll head west.

5. We're getting antsy to settle into a house!

Instead of an apartment! Could it be true? We're following up leads and crossing our fingers!

6. I'm getting antsy to change up this blog!

Random, yes. And it's more me than Andrew. But the blog feels kinda somber and un-fun. As soon as we become civilians, our blog will undergo a makeover! Including a name change. Be watching for "Harper's Bazaar" in September...

And all of this will be happening in the next 6 weeks! It's an exciting, unsure, hopeful, and crazy time. But God already knows the answers. He knows where He's taking us and why. We just need to rest. Which feels impossible at the moment with so much to do!

My dad shared this passage with me just this morning. So timely!

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me -- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

(Matthew 11:28-30  The Message)

Time, Love, and Tenderness

This is not a tribute to Michael Bolton, although he's got a couple things going for him.

There's a lot I could say about time. First of all, it's been a long time since I've written. It's been a long time since I was home. I love spending time "with" Cassidy, and I am so glad that my time in Iraq is coming to a close.

Time is a funny scale. With the passing of Valentine's Day and her birthday approaching, Cassidy and I have been comparing notes and memories on our early days together. In so many ways it feels as if time is going to make us start over when I am finally home. We've spent nearly two years married factually, psychologically, mentally, and spiritually. We've spent a mere six months of that time in daily life together.

God has used this time to deepen the emotional, mental, and spiritual ties between us in a powerful way. I guess it would be something like braiding small strands of a precious metal (we'll say white gold) together and then putting them in an oven so hot it melts the strands together, but not so hotly that the strands lose their identity. That is what this separation has done in the spiritual realm for Cassidy and me.

We're so ready, so looking forward to the precious jewel of "time together" being set in the framework and back-drop of these 15 months.

We may have forgotten how the other one brushes their teeth, we may be surprised again at just how deep the other one's eyes are, I know I will lose my breath when I see the beautiful picture that I have looked at all year finally come to life.

Yes, time is a funny scale. It's made us seem farther apart and yet closer together. While we know the shared experience we've had, we also know the separate experiences that have run concurrent on separate sides of the world.

I tease Cassidy sometimes that there is more than one of her, and she KNOWS about my three distinct personalities. In this context of time, however, I'd have to say that our experience is even multi-faceted... There's "her daily life", "his daily life", and "our daily life"... and as God gives us grace, in time, those three will melt into one. Sometime after, and probably long after, the first of April.

It all has taken, and it all will take - time.

I love Cassidy with all my heart. She loves me. I know Cassidy better than I have ever known anyone, and sometimes better than I know myself. She knows me just as well.

The thing that I know about love, is that it flows from God. We've reminded each other of that multiple times over the course of this deployment. I know that my grace to be loving, tender, and giving as a husband stems directly from walking with my God. It's funny, but it's like God put us in circumstances where I was forced to learn that only as I surrender to and seek God first, only then, can I give Cassidy the love she needs. The reverse is true, but the responsibility is primarily mine.

Cassidy's last post was an excellent reminder that this "God as our love-source" concept is not just true of the marriage relationship. Our experience has been so exceptional that I sometimes get narrowly focused on the two of us and what God is doing with us... (read: Andrew gets stubborn and selfish sometimes... and wishes that God would do things in a way that was easier to handle).

The truth is, I know when I am walking close with the Lord and when loving is just too hard. "When loving is just too hard"... that's the choice isn't it? Walk with God, or walk without love.

This has been the week to think about love, to think about going home, to think about Cassidy's upcoming birthday, and to think about where we are in our relationship. We can't wait to be together and spend some time, love and tenderness melding, mending and building. Something tells me the order has GOT to be the same then as it has become here in the desert: 1. I surrender to God, 2. There is abundant love.

how God loves us

This Wednesday morning at our women's Bible study, I was struck by the insight of a friend when she shared that most often, she feels God's love to her through the love of others.

What a great and timely reminder of something I know, but so easily forget. Unfortunately, my life's busy-ness, my brain's constant and somewhat irritating need to over-think things, and my personality's desire for consistent productivity can blind me to the obvious expressions of God's love for me and my hourly need of it!

Since Wednesday, my eyes have been re-opened to God's love and I see it everywhere! Yes, there are those special times when I have "a moment" just between me and the Lord and I clearly feel His presence and overwhelming love. But when I stop to look for it, God loves me every single day through the love He's given to others...not for me, but for Him. When Christians love God, He gives them a love for others that's meant to come from Him, not them! Confusing! But so beautiful.

So when an unknown (to us) youth pastor from Canada writes one of the most encouraging comments we've received on our blog, we were able to see it and receive it as an outpouring of God's love to us through the writer. He encouraged us because of his love for the Lord and God used him as a channel of that love. Straight from the Father to us.

Thank You, Lord! And thank you, Darren, for your uplifting words that came at such a perfect time. You'll never know just how grateful we are for your thoughts and prayers! Our God is so faithful. May He bless you and your church with more and more love and may He continue to pour out blessings that cannot be contained!

Stumbling Across the Finish Line

Or limping. Crawling. Being carried. Or carted.

This has been a strange and unexpected season of the deployment for us. I'll explain. After Andrew left Oregon when his R&R was done, the next few months seemed to fly by! There went the rest of October! Whoa! That blur was November! Oh, and Merry Christmas to all!

It's been the "Happy New Year" that has suddenly braked and mercilessly thrown us against our seatbelts. Whiplash! It's only January 12th. It feels like we've been in this month forever. From 80mph in the carpool lane to rush hour gridlock.

For the last week or two, all we want to talk about is Andrew's homecoming and how quickly the calendar says it's approaching. And then the next day finally comes and we talk about it more. Then the third day actually feels like the first day and we're not one minute closer to the elusive end. We could talk about how happy we'll be soon...but we've already talked about that. A million times. And apparently, talking doesn't bring us nearer the finish line.

Here in these last months, we see Satan trying his level best to discourage us at every turn, beat us up, and knock us off track in the final laps. It's clear that he wants us out of the race. He's so evil and he doesn't play fair. Issues long past are being flung at us afresh. Fears that have already been demolished have crept back up with a new veneer. Was my faith stronger at the beginning of this race than it is now? Have I not grown at all?

I was hoping to finish strong. Victoriously! With head held high, a smile on my face, and arms stretched heavenward in faith and glory to God.

But I've exhausted all my muscles. I can't run anymore. Strength is gone. That's why I'm crawling. But moving is good, isn't it? Although it doesn't look victorious and I don't smile every day. And if my arms are stretched heavenward, it's simply because I'm begging to be lifted.

Lord Jesus, lift me up! Help me to stand and walk and finish the race by Your grace. Whatever condition I'm in by the end won't matter. Only that You brought me through. If I stop crawling, please carry me. On second thought, You could carry me now.

I know You have been all along. And I realize that the hardest parts of the entire race have been when I've tried it alone. But I can't finish alone. I want to rest in Your arms. I want to walk with You. I want to see You. Thank You, Jesus.

Irony & Truth

As seen on t-shirts for Army wives. Some funny, some ironic, and all true.

~ She who waits also serves.

~ Army Wife...and you think your life is stressed?

~ I'd rather be kissing my Soldier.

~ You might be a military wife if...

• the postal clerk knows you.
• you've seriously contemplated flying around the world to yell at his superiors to let him come home.
• you use an entire bottle of his cologne just so you can smell him around you.
• you don't see your man for 99% of the year, but still stay commited to him.
• you have enough flat rate boxes, packing tape, and customs forms for his entire unit.
• you begin to hyperventilate when your cell phone battery gets low.
• you've started putting together the perfect outfit for when you see him and it's still months away.

~ My husband is kicking tail in Iraq...what does yours do?

~ My Husband. My Soldier. My Hero.

~ Whoever said long distance relationships could never work never met an Army wife.

~ DANGER: Wife going through deployment. Proceed with extreme caution.

~ Imagine 12 months without a hug. Now imagine 15. See why I'm crabby?

~ You can't scare me. I'm an Army wife!

~ Land of the free, courtesy of the brave.

~ Warning: The man that keeps me sane is currently out of the country.

~ All I want for Christmas is my Soldier.

~ He swore to protect our country. I swore to protect his heart.

~ Proud Military Intelligence Wife (my personal favorite)

~ Welcome home, Baby! I missed you more than words can say.

Some days, sayings like these make me sad. Some days, they make me nearly burst with pride. Some days I wish I could hide behind one of these 100% cotton shields of excuses for my stressed attitude.

But all days, I need to remember that my life is not my own. Jesus Christ bought me with a price and I belong to Him. My life is His to do with whatever would best serve His Kingdom. I live a life of surrender to my God and faithfulness and love to my husband.

God didn't promise that it would go easy for me as I choose to follow Him. I am told to pick up my cross daily. As in every day! Some days I just let it lie there while I try to control my life with both hands. But His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He knows what I need before I do. And He knows how to take care of my deployed Soldier.

Lord, if you can be more glorified in me through life's trials, then please give me the grace to endure them and the strength to thrive joyfully in the midst of them!

I just can't find a t-shirt that says all that...